So, here lately i've been really emo due to some-things that have been going on in my life. It honestly has just opened my eyes up really. Made me realize what life was about. I was ready to give up and just go on...I couldnt take it anymore. I felt I had no "reason" to be here. Just so undeserving of life. I feel like a really shitty ass mom..I'm not the best christian as much as I should be considering I love God, I love church, and I love bible study. as I'm ready to give up...I think about my child and how he giggles and laughs...how he holds me and plays with my hair when he's tired. How beautiful his little ass is when we're in the shower and he's playing with his "bath toys" as he says. I wanted to be in a wreck...have someone plow into the side of the driver side door and just end it for me. Then I see a tree...a SIMPLE TREE. I remember the day I got contacts years ago for the first time. I remember walking out of the Dr.'s office and looking around, I said to my mother "wow, I've never known how beautiful tree's are" she just laughed as if I were a retarted stepchild. I really thought tree's were mezmorizing. I had never seen them like I did that day. So, everyday after that I would get on the school bus and stare at the sun coming up thru the tree's in the mornings and be astonished. After that...I started realizing just how beautiful other things were. I loved that feeling. I loved loving everything God had made plus the crazy idea's I would get about how I wanted to paint this big amazing picture just didnt know what it would be. That went on for a while. Then I turned to poetry. I felt like I could get thru with words...but I just have never felt like I have. I have so much balled up inside of me dying to sprout out it drives me INSANE. I do the best I can, but NEVER comes out likeI had hoped. I'll take an idea and write it down...but I'll loose it. Then, when I do have an idea when I go to get it out...my brain only lets me go so far and holds the best stuff inside like God dosnt want anyone to know what's up there u know? I love art. All shapes and forms. Drawings, paintings, prose, singing, dancing, music. EVERYTHING...their's just so much I could do, but something wont let me. So, for the longest I lost that "beauty of things" side of me. I HATED everything. When I started dating Kris "Tool" he helped me reopen my eyes to the beauty of EVERYTHING around me. I fell in love with him for that. No-one had ever done that before. I started to lose it again. Fortunately, we hit our first bump in our relationship. It was bound to happen. Just never thought it would be that bad. When it all come down..I wanted to go down with it. Then I saw that tree. Started to realize ever MORE beauty. Decided not to give up...and couldnt be happier that we overcame our problem and moved on. Now..not only do I love him EVEN MORE!!!! Now, I see more beauty in even more things and it just makes me happier! You could slap paint on a canvas and I could see a story in it. You could write a poem about a dog taking a piss on a tree...and I could prob tell you why he choose that tree. I love this feeling and dont want to lose it. Thank God for your beauty and what you see...whether no-one else see's it or not. whew...i'm done.

Thanks for letting me be gay and vent..even though....it's not how I intended for it to come out (it's suppost to be better than this!)